to Woke Souls,

I can only now just about allow myself to reflect upon last year and begin to acknowledge and organise the thoughts and emotions surrounding my experience. I found myself reverting back to safety behaviours I thought I’d outgrown, battling emotions I thought I’d released, facing obstacles I thought I’d overcome and most of all re-introducing myself to lessons I thought I’d learnt. I had become so completely dependent on the two closest people to me, that at times it felt terrifying to be with anyone else, let alone to be by myself — not that it made a difference as even when I was with others I felt alone. The only contrast being it was easier to distract myself when in the company of others, but not necessarily any less isolating, as it felt a lot of the time like I wasn’t being seen or heard, not fully anyway.

Non-visible disabilities

In many ways mental dis-ease can sometimes be more complicated than physical dis-ease, because the symptoms are less obvious to the untrained eye or to even the trained eye and it seems more difficult to diagnose and treat such conditions. When faced with a visible disability, naturally we tend to feel a sense of sadness, sympathy and kindness towards the experience of the other individual. Although we may not be able to fully relate, we are able to sympathise, as we were taught to do so at some point or other. When faced with somebody that arguably experiences a similar level of debilitation, lack of freedom and loss of life, yet is able to get out of bed in the morning, work, is ambulant and on the most part appears to be contributing to, and functioning well within society, what’s the cause for concern? Well, that’s where it gets tricky, no matter how able-bodied one may be, or privileged, it doesn’t change or lessen the burden or trauma of one’s experience.

“It’s weird, because you look so well and vibrant”

I did everything I was “supposed to do”. Whilst my internal struggle was at an all time high, those around me remained primarily unaware of what I was experiencing because to the outside world I appeared “well”. At times when I would voice how I was feeling to professionals, or ask for help from loved ones, (no matter how clinical or woke) I was mostly met with that same sentiment. “It’s weird because you look so well”, “your energy doesn’t reflect what you’re saying at all”, “I tend to think you’re okay because you always seem to just get on with it” As opposed to? To what exactly? Staying in bed with the curtains drawn, slitting my wrists, planning my suicide, crying at a moment’s notice? Becoming completely unresponsive? What is it that I should look like to the outside world to reflect how I’m feeling inside? To be taken seriously? To be heard? Ill-mental health doesn’t look like that, not always, not anymore. 

The face of anxiety is your hairdresser, the face of depression is the guy that serves you your coffee in the morning, the face of PTSD is the mum you see on your school drop off. The faces of ill-mental health changed a long time ago and cannot be narrowed down to the ones in hospitals, therapy rooms and institutes, they are the faces of the people we interact with every single day. These people are doing what they’re programmed to do — they are getting on with it. The thing with non-visible dis-ease is it’s hard because it cannot be seen and anything that cannot be seen is difficult to understand as we haven’t been taught how to recognise, process or deal with it. Ten odd years ago when I initially started to experience bursts of anxiety I thought I was literally losing the plot. I would never speak of it or share it because I didn’t understand what was happening and I knew others wouldn’t either. 

Ableism & understanding your capacity

The system has been designed in favour of those that are generally “well”, those that are able-bodied and minded, those that don’t necessarily have reason to give much thought to the aspects of life that don’t concern them or affect them specifically unless their circumstances have allowed them to do so. This isn’t a criticism, I was one of those people and in some ways I still am, I am still learning — our understanding is limited to only that of which we have experienced for ourselves. For the misfits amongst us, life can sometimes feel overwhelming as we tend to be in constant comparison to others and even versions of ourselves that we no longer resonate with. This most recent chapter has been key in bringing to light the importance of acknowledging my capacity and its nature to change at a moment’s notice. Capacity is something that is fluid, it shifts – it is not linear nor consistent.

Everyday can feel different, regardless of whether or not there’s the added element of a health condition. There are so many varying aspects that dictate our energy levels, mood, productivity levels and more. We cannot expect the same level of consistency and output on an ongoing basis. It’s bad enough we often feel the need to meet the expectations of others, that we then apply added pressure ourselves. It has become crucial for me to pay attention to how I speak to myself and also how others speak to me, and to remain aware of the quality of my thoughts in addition to who’s impacting them. Who’s voices are those in my head? Who’s criticisms? Who’s expectations and judgements? Most of the time when others have an issue with how you are living your life, in truth it’s an indication they have an issue with how they are living theirs.

Fuck other people & do you

To others it might seem like I should be trying harder, doing more, being better, never reverting backwards — only moving forwards. But here’s the thing: those people don’t necessarily understand that where I am already is me working at my highest capacity at that moment in time, even if it’s me just getting out of bed, prepping and consuming meals and not leaving the house. My capacity will be different to yours and it changes constantly. With this in mind I made the decision to focus more on my positive attributes and achievements, without the need to expect more from myself, and to work harder on not being phased by how others might judge or criticise me. Other people’s opinions do not define me. Other people do not know of my struggles, obstacles, or my capacity. I made the decision to allow my days to play out with the intention of moving based on how I felt in that moment, without the need to make it goal and growth orientated. Yes, growth is important, as is nourishment, compassion towards yourself and moving at your own pace. 

Key takeaways

For anyone that might be navigating their way through a similar experience, these are the ideas that I invite you to consider and explore:

Acknowledge your self-worth
It’s okay to ask for (& bank on) help from those that are in a position to give it to you. In recent months I have become extremely aware of the imbalances in my personal and professional relationships and I have asked that the exchange in energy becomes fairer. Do not sell yourself short – ensure that you are being fairly compensated for your time, and know that sometimes turning an opportunity down is better for your growth.

Take up space
Following on from the above message – you are worthy, yes there are people worse off than you but there are also people better off, in a position to be able to help you. Don’t dim your light, or draw back because of your setbacks or what you are going through. Don’t be afraid to have your story heard, make your cause a concern or to take up space. You matter.

Consider your capacity
Be realistic about your time, energy levels and how much you are able to give. If you are starting a new project or a fresh opportunity presents itself, where can you create space for this? re-evaluate your commitments – something has to give, if you’re not making sacrifices elsewhere then perhaps it’ll end up being your health, so check in with yourself to ensure the decisions you are making remain aligned with your priorities and values.

Trust that you did your best
Time heals all, and because of this it’s easy to forget our past struggles. We can be quick to forget how truly challenging those phases were, to look back and criticise ourselves for not achieving more at that time or feeling regret for the things we didn’t do. During these times it is important to appreciate that we would have been doing our best under those given circumstances and that we are now exactly where we should be.

Don’t dismiss the small stuff
Don’t sweat the small stuff, but don’t dismiss it either. We have incorporated and normalised low-level stress to the point where we don’t even realise that we are stressed. Regular symptoms such as disturbed sleep, brain fog, fatigue or anxiety are the body’s way of communicating with us. What’s going on politically? Weather-wise?  Are you eating well? resting well? Where are you in your menstrual cycle? These play a vital role in your overall mood and wellbeing – it’s important to acknowledge these factors and how they shift.

Take each day as it comes
It’s easy to simply focus on goals, progression and growth but sometimes the intention might just be to see the day through, to have a restful sleep or perhaps there isn’t a goal whatsoever. When things feel particularly challenging, learn to see each day as a fresh beginning, and focus on pleasure-pursuits as opposed to other gains. Say no more often and practice being selfish.

Most of all, move beyond what you believe you are “allowed” to feel and into your honest core, what is it that you truly feel or need? Honour yourself there.

As always, until next time,

A