“How are you?”
“I’m well thanks, how are you?”
“Yeh good – same old really.”
to Woke Souls,
During a year where so many of us felt extremely disconnected and disorientated, a large proportion of us found ourselves trying to stay hopeful or positive, not necessarily because we actually felt that way – but more so because we felt we had no other real choice. There wasn’t necessarily any space for a breakdown, who could you rely on for help? And how? Feeling anything other than hopeful was almost out of the question. It felt terrifying to allow ourselves to even consider permitting our minds to wander over to anything else, in case of the possibility that we uncovered something even more debilitating – bigger than our capacity to process or handle what might show up for us. So we held it all in, to a certain extent we even became numb to what was going on and what we were experiencing – it simply felt safer this way.
It’s actually not okay
Speaking for myself, the fact that I had very little contact with anyone outside of my immediate family and best friends meant that it was extremely easy to hide what was really going on for me. I spent a lot of my time writing articles and creating posts that others might find insightful, inspiring, or invoke hope, or be of ease at a time where it seemed essential. This was all the while I was holding on by a thread myself. I continued to use Instagram as a highlight reel, and only on occasion did I share my discomfort. Many of us continued to share our successes, our achievements against all the odds that were being faced, and focused much of our energy trying to carry on as “normal” to the best of our ability. However I felt that this only caused us to drift further apart from one another, along with our own true selves, leaving us feeling even more disconnected and warped.
My nervous system took a huge hit last year. Some of you are aware of the various forms of anxiety that I encounter, and how this impacts my day-to-day life. However not so many of you know how much exactly this impacts my life, so I’m about to tell you – because it’s time. It’s time we started being honest at first with ourselves, and secondly with those around us. It’s time we started to open up about how last year impacted us, how stuck and lost we felt by events outside of our control, and most importantly how we could really do with some help and comfort. It’s important to share how challenging we are finding certain aspects of life, it is important that we as a society start to share our setbacks, challenges and difficulties as opposed to solely focusing on “business as usual” and only sharing the highs and “focusing on the positives”.
We are being called to enter a new phase – one of compassion, connection and truth, and it is crucial for us to change the way that we view the not-so-glamorous aspects of life, the human aspects: the imperfections. It’s time to let go of the view that these are signs of weakness, lack of commitment or laziness. Most of all, it is imperative that we practice what we preach. In the wellness space, I have found that many therapists, healers, yogis, and more, although with the purest intentions, begin to advise others on how to better care for themselves – without ever truly practicing that same sentiment themselves. This notion tends to remind me of being on a plane – whereby in the event of an emergency we are advised to put on our own survival gear before helping others. We have to learn how to hold space for ourselves – wholly and completely, before trying to do the same for others.
The whole truth, and nothing but the truth
In early 2020, I struggled with the same forms of anxiety as I do now, but I was in the best place that I had been in for a long time. I had been exposing myself to new places, people and situations on a regular basis, and I was making real progress. After years of feeling dependent and needy, I’d regained a fraction of my independence and freedom in many ways. I felt more able to do things that had once upon a time felt extremely foreign to me. I felt healthier, more focused, at peace, and joyful. Just as I moved away from my family home in January and began to experience life with new wings after a prolonged period of stagnancy, naturally it was time for me to go deeper: BAM! – lockdown, fear, uncertainty, restrictions and instability. Just as I entered a fresh new phase in my life and began to thrive, it felt as though my new-found freedom was slipping away from me faster than I had gained it.
The truth is, I wasn’t too phased by anything that was going on on a global level at first – I was quite happy to be in my beautiful new home, with my best friend. I was excited to go through cookbooks that had been in my possession for years, to flag recipes and actually give them a go, to meditate in the middle of the day, to engage in activities that sparked real joy. This soon fizzled out, as things began to very quickly change in my surroundings. Inconsiderate neighbours, noise disturbances from multiple sources, unreliable healthcare systems and councils, and very little change in scenery. With very little independence and even less freedom I soon began to resent my surroundings, and the situation I found myself in. I found myself restless, and wanting to escape as soon as I awoke, just to beat the disturbances. I tried everything – but it only made things worse, whilst nothing seemed to work, I was left with the feeling that I was beginning to run out of options.
Trapped, blocked, frustrated, and alone. Incredibly alone. I found myself feeling on edge almost constantly: jittery, anxious, and irritable. It was almost impossible to relax, as the anticipation started to become worse than the cause itself. I kept on ploughing ahead as if this was just a minor setback, a small inconvenience, as opposed to acknowledging it for what it really was. Because that’s what we do isn’t it? That’s what we’re taught. We’re conditioned into accepting that sick days are for days we are either hospitalised, bed-ridden or experiencing a serious injury or sickness. We aren’t taught how to water our mental garden, how to recognise the signs of poor mental health and lack of wellbeing. We aren’t taught how to truly be accepting, understanding and compassionate towards ourselves, so how can we truly feel those emotions towards others? A strong part of us will always continue to find reasons as to why we should be doing better, or how we’re not good enough if we find ourselves in these compromising scenarios.
Nine months later
Nine months and two moves later (that’s a total of six moves over the course of three years), I find myself feeling the lowest I’ve possibly ever felt. Things have been tough, especially this past year, and I’ve felt the need to keep it to myself. I haven’t wanted to accept the severity of the situation, because it’s been easy to hold COVID-19 accountable, to have the view that things will just naturally ease back into how they were once lockdown passes and life goes back to being “normal”. But here’s the thing – as lockdown begins to ease, whilst life as we once knew it begins to resurface one step at a time, I don’t feel any closer to being myself – the self that I was pre-C and I genuinely don’t know how long it will take to get back to that – but I do know that the day will come and I have full faith that I will be led to all the right people, places and situations that help and inspire me to move forward.
For right now though, I have had to make some big, bold changes, one of which includes putting TWS on pause for now. As much as I enjoy being a part of this community and relaying back my findings, insights and inner-most thoughts to you beautiful people, I can feel in my body that I have to take a step back now. I am being called to make myself and my healing a priority. At this very moment in time, this means that everything else must fall secondary. I have found time and time again how easy it is to carry on as “per normal”, it takes real guts to know when to walk away from something that is no longer working for you. And for me for right now – this includes most people, most commitments, and most things. I am hoping that this act of bravery will inspire and motivate others to truly re-evaluate their own mental and physical state with an honest and open mind. Let’s begin to be the change that we want to see in the world. Nothing, and I mean nothing is more important than our health and wellbeing, and unfortunately generally speaking for many of us it tends to be too late when we come to this realisation.
Please, please show up for yourself, acknowledge the signs, listen to your body’s intuition, and continue to shine your light. Everything else can wait.
Until next time,
A